When confronted by reporters, Kerry explained, “The Democratic Party is the party of inclusion. We extend our hand to all of those in the ‘Deceased American’ community who have been long ignored by politics as usual. Just because a person is ‘corporeally challenged’ should not be a reason to refuse them the right to vote. For generations, the Democratic Party in Chicago has opened their ballot boxes to the dead as any voter verification of Chicago precincts will verify. I applaud this practice, and look forward to a grand show of support from across America’s graveyards through the efforts of Mr. Edward, who is able to connect with them by hearing their voices and speaking directly with them.”

Already, youthful Kerry volunteers have been seen canvassing America’s cemeteries and taping Kerry fliers to grave markers and headstones. One New Jersey funeral home has seen an unexplained number of caskets bearing KERRY / EDWARD ’04 bumper stickers as they have been lowered into the ground.

Bush campaign officials brushed off the news as being irrelevant. “After all ...” remarked one White House aid, “anyone with any common sense can tell you that the president’s policies since taking office have had a profound, energizing effect on the dead. Every day we receive reports that in response to President Bush, the nation’s founding fathers are turning over in their graves.”