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Arts
Artistically yours
by Carson Stevedore
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Into the frying pan
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Oasis, Oboy
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Greenwood moves to Wisconsin
by Hugh Biguitis Oct 2, 2002

20 straight minutes

Greenwood officials have reported a recent increase in crime, as their city expands and modernizes. The city leaders recently gathered to study the problem and decide what actions to take. After a blue ribbon panel of local experts gathered for 20 straight minutes, the decision was made to secede from Indiana, specifically disassociate themselves from Indianapolis, and become a suburb of Milwaukee.

Carter Bloomflicker

Reporters and citizens waiting outside of Greenwood City Hall were puzzled by the decision. Carter Bloomflicker explained the motion. Bloomflicker: First let me say that our time in the state of Indiana has been peaceful, up until the last few years. Our research has shown that our crime problems are in direct relation to Indianapolis. Q: Why Milwaukee? C.B.: The proximity to Lake Michigan was the deciding factor over Des Moines. Des Moines is too much like scum-sucking Indianapolis, you know, with cornfields and all. Q: So when you move the city of Greenwood- C.B.: Oh, we"re not moving the city. What do you think we are, dumb asses? We"re going to be part of wonderful metropolitan Milwaukee, instead of stench-infested Indianapolis. Q: Can you explain how this will help your crime problem? C.B.: You folks in the press are so F-ing stupid. Do you really think a criminal would want to drive all the way from Milwaukee to Greenwood to perform a crime? Likewise, if some garbage-eating trash from Indianapolis wants to rob the good citizens of Greenwood, they would have to drive all the way to Milwaukee and back to Greenwood. Criminals don"t have that much of a work ethic. Q: OK. Well, how does Milwaukee feel about this? C.B.: We haven"t told them yet. We"re sure they won"t have a problem with it. Bloomflicker then retreated inside city hall, leaving the reporters wondering what the hell was going on. The citizens of Greenwood knew it was business as usual and nothing would actually happen. They all turned around and went home.

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