"The Siberian Express" No Match for Bulldogs

Staring at the center line seconds before tip-off-- if you filter out the noise, the Henry Rollins being played by the Pep Band, the low boom of giant safety cones cupped to the cheerleader's mouths--you'd think you were watching the Ohio State practice squad match up for scrimmage.

The Bulldogs are undersized-- their tallest player gives up four inches to OSU's center. He appears to be lost in a land of red giants-- feeling his way through the darkness cast by the great shadow of Kousta Koufos, who I believe is starring in the upcoming Rambo movie as the reincarnation of Ivan Drago.

Different movies--I know. Nerd.

In the first half it's getting ugly early-- Drago's swatting every Butler field goal attempt into the cheap seats. And while I promised I'd get through this season without referencing "Hoosiers," (I made it to game 2....) every one of the Butler starters looks like a scared white farm boy; Dennis Hopper should be drunkenly staggering onto the court shortly. This is the biggest program Hinkle has hosted in over two decades-- and they're playing like it; without poise or the casual hubris necessary for a mid-major to slug it out with the defending national runner-ups.

Thankfully, the mascot is providing some comedic relief to ease the tension. He is one-two stepping with the Cheerleaders, and--what's this?! Yes, he is in fact-- "superman-ing 'dem ho's." Well played, Bulldog, you cheeky bastard you.

At the end of the half, Butler forced a turnover, allowing Graves to toss up a buzzer-beater and close the gap to 10. It's amazing what happens when A.J. takes a shot inside of 40 feet-- instead of the bullshit Hail-Marys he's been chucking up all night. He finishes the half 1 for 8 from Downtown, Chuck-loslavakia.

The Turn


And with Graves' sputtering success-- the Bulldogs have found their fire. It's taken them all of ten minutes to take back ten points--and following a barrage of 3's, cutthroat defense, and some hometown refereeing-- Butler tied it up-- and they continue to pour it on and claim a ten point lead, with four minutes to go. Thad Matta, former Bulldog player and coach, nervously paces the sidelines looking for his cell phone to beg Greg Oden for some help. Even the freshly torn ligaments of those tree-trunk knees of his would be more useful than Drago's bitter, cold communist heart.

I poked fun at Matt Howard, Butler's lonely freshman post threat-- but he's used every one of his 80 inches to lead all scorers with 23 points and keep Butler in this basketball game. I take back everything I said-- Howard is a monster. He's exchanging heavy low-post swings with Drago and Tree-Beard with infinite heart. I'm going to introduce him to my sister.

He's flat-flooted, ugly, and is built like he should be playing Tuba for the band, but if butler hangs on to this lead, when the March seedings are determined they’ll remember the night they all strapped on the lumbering shoulders of Matt Howard to beat the Mighty Buckeyes. Drago, meanwhile, can dry his weepy eyes on the generous salary allotted to him by the Buckeye Booster Club.

With Mike Green's three pointer for the first (and only) lead change of the game, this is the loudest college basketball game I've ever been to.

And now the Bulldogs are running away with it-- Up by 16 with a minute left; OSU will not bother fouling the nation's best squad of free throw shooters.

The 15th ranked Bulldogs have upset the unranked Buckeyes of Ohio State-- do the math on that one. For the first time in the history of college basketball, fans have stormed the court after beating an unranked opponent...the only mistake made by anyone dawning Bulldog paraphernalia since A.J's buzzer beater in the first half.

I don't know what Brad Stevens said to them at halftime, but surely Gene Hackman is looking upon Hinkle Fieldhouse-- wherever he may be-- and smiling handsomely.

Final Score: Bulldogs 65, OSU 46; leaving all of the Oden-less Columbus asking-- with their sweaty palms turned toward the sky-- how long until bowl season?